directed by alvin rakoff
bloodstar productions ltd./astral films limited
Confession time: It will in no way be possible for me to describe in mere words this incredible movie, and trust me, when I say “incredible,” I mean it. What we have here is one of the most completely batshit cinematic wonders ever concocted. Just about every time I was convinced nothing could top what I had just seen, well, you can probably guess where I’m going with this. How even to begin … Loath as I am to provide spoilers in these reviews (or indeed, as you may have noticed, much relevant information at all), let me relate to you this movie’s plot. A cruise ship is rammed by an unmanned Nazi vessel that pilots itself and is apparently sentient. It’s also bloodthirsty. No, really, the ship needs blood. We know this because after former cruise ship captain George Kennedy is taken over by the evil spirit of Death Ship, he informs his would-be successor Richard Crenna, when revealing his/its plans to kill said would-be successor and his family. (This is ¾ of the way through; almost everyone else who survived the initial calamitous event has already been bumped off by D. S.) Luckily for me, I was watching a version of this insanity that was helpfully subtitled, so as to highlight the ace dialogue, and treating me to captions such as [almighty crash], [explosion], and my personal favorite, [faint sounds of torture and suffering]. Although assuredly unintentional, this film is nonetheless a laugh riot.
why did i watch this movie?
DEATH. SHIP. Also, George Kennedy – guarantor of quality.
should you watch this movie?
Oh my, yes.
highlight and low point
Have I mentioned the stock footage? Or the children? Have a sampling of the drama:
“Where do you plan to sail her?”
“Eternity, Marshall. Eternity.”
rating from outer space: +/−
oh, no!
I have long wondered if one could fairly judge the quality of the acting in subtitled movies written and produced in a language not one’s own, or if the language gap and the distraction of reading the dialogue prevented accurate assessment of the performances. Well, after viewing this Thai production, I no longer wonder. No matter what the circumstances may be, it is plain Natthamonkarn Srinikornchot does not deliver good acting in the lead role. Her mien never changes much throughout the course of the picture; she seems to have only one emotional state and only one way to express it. As for the film anchored by her performance, it bears some striking similarities to The Cut – the Korean film sometimes also known as “Cadaver” – although it is by at least one measure not nearly as hard to grant credence. (On the other hand, both feature vengeful ghosts, so what am I even saying.) Both pictures also feature a coterie of young medical students, a tremulous lead female, a father figure on the faculty, and mysterious death. This one cost a lot less to make.
For the majority of its 90 minutes or so, this is more of a sex farce than a horror movie. Indeed, at times it reminded me of such bygone classics as Clue, as well as such bygone duds as the Sly Stallone vehicle Oscar. Numerous suspicious or threatening characters abound and … actually, all of the characters are suspicious, as it becomes increasingly more unclear who is trying to kill whom, or why. At long length, it does eventually swing into scary movie mode, but its overweening hucksterism is never superseded. It’s possible this film slipped through the cracks because it has a few moments that are too gory for what is essentially a noirish comedy of manners. As is often the case with such madcap romps, the story doesn’t wind up making a whole lot of sense, either.
The story of three Troubled Teens – well, two of ’em, at least – who become enmeshed in a blackmail-and-murder triangle of sorts, this accomplished Australian venture turns progressively darker as it proceeds … and it starts off with a jarring, unpleasant scene. Every bit of the story seems to provide more psychological drama, which propels the narrative. The viewer is lured in further and further as the truths are revealed only bit by bit, and with a certain amount of misdirection, to boot. One of the SHOCKING twists in this one – there are several – actually is shocking, and another comes as a fairly big surprise as well. Unexpectedly good, this film succeeds largely through its portrayals of the teenagers; their complicated relationships with each other feel as though they are rendered accurately. The multifarious bait-and-switch maneuvers deftly executed by this production carry the day, however.
Despite being a “found footage” tale of a largely unknown or unseen threat producing psychological torment in a five-person crew in heavily forested mountains – and with passages that directly reminded this scribe of scenes from both 2014’s Backcountry and the excellent Bob Goldthwait-helmed Bigfoot adventure Willow Creek from 2013 – this French film is often rather effective, especially as the plight of the principal female protagonist spirals out of control. The fact that no attempt is made to tie up any of the loose ends of the exposition is also a plus, aiding as it does the documentary conceit. Even the fact that the main antagonist is somewhat less impressive than presented, even underwhelming, is forgivable – until it begins to seem a bit silly. Eventually one concludes he or she has seen all this before. Which is a bit of a shame, because this is a skillfully made movie. It just doesn’t quite deliver on its promise.
Also known, in the United Kingdom at least, as Harpoon: Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre – probably to distinguish it from all the other movies titled “Harpoon” or because “Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre” wasn’t a descriptive enough title for a movie about a massacre that takes place during a whale-watching expedition in the waters around Iceland – RWWM is a odd little slice of bad tidings. It’s also funny, after a fashion; the term used could be “black humor” were it not quite so ill-mannered or misanthropic. Actually, one of the most interesting things about this exercise in callous, gratuitous cruelty is how the alleged humor is played – very offhandedly, for the most part. By this I mean there’s no setup and no reaction to any of the moments of presumable mirth; they’re just a part of the mélange. It’s quite an approach, and adds an appealing touch of cinéma vérité to a picture that probably doesn’t warrant it. Not as much of a feel-good film as one might expect from the uplifting title.
The main thing I noticed in this peculiar low-budget pic is that almost all of the actors portraying college students are way too old; along with that factor comes the clumsy nature of the dialogue, somewhat common to B-movies trying to portray “realistic” campus life. Also evident is the off-brand quality of this production. Though a reasonable facsimile of a film a major studio may have made, the differences are definitely noticeable in set design and wardrobe, to name but a few departments. (Several of the performers also appear to be cut-rate imitations of Name Actors.) The coherence of the story – which is otherwise off-the-shelf tomfoolery – is similarly lacking, perhaps because it seems to be missing details that might have shed some light on various characters’ motivations. It is entirely possible I am putting too much thought into my analysis of this tale about some kinda demonic ritual pact. Oh, and the SHOCKING ending isn’t, of course.
Here’s a rarity for this list: a good movie. Actually good, that is, not “good for a horror movie,” not “good” (scare quotes) – a film that’s well-written, well-acted, well-directed … how the hell did this happen? I feel cheated. Not quite the supernatural assault suggested by the promotional artwork, this Australian feature is a rather more subtle affair centering around strange goings-on in the retirement home the main character has inherited following her mother’s death. These eldritch occurrences seem to have been foreshadowed by similar happenings related in her mother’s diary decades earlier. Are things not what they seem? How DO things seem? WHO can one trust, et cetera. This picture appears never to have had a domestic theatrical release, and the fine lead actress appears never to have had a further career. An understated, somewhat ethereal affair, its scares and the tension it creates are earned by never overplaying its hand and always retaining some rooting in reality. As I said, it’s a good one.
Wow, where to begin with this slice of cinematic … excellence. First off, it really comes across like an excessively long (and gory) episode of Police Squad! Lousy acting, ridiculous story, unbelievable characters … Pieces has got it all, and then some. (From Wikipedia, as written: “The film has retained a cult following however among bad movie fans on account of its numerous logical absurdities, gaffes, unlikely dialogue and ridiculous moments.”) From the opening scene on, nary a credible moment can be found. What is most difficult to believe, given the script and the circumstances of the production, is that the cast seems to be playing it completely straight. The apogee for this viewer is the “championship” tennis match between two women who play as though they had never held rackets before – which turns out not to be far from the truth. The SHOCKING postscript appended makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but it sure should’ve led to an even more implausible sequel, with the added bonus of potentially being in an entirely different realm of horror. A sadly missed opportunity, in my opinion.
Hahahahaha. Only tangentially a horror movie, this beaut is a “thriller” of the sort Cannon Films churned out for so many years, except without the finer qualities for which that studio was so widely admired. Set in “Mexico” (filmed largely in Venezuela), this cheerfully idiotic film is concerned with some sorta Entity of the ancient Mayan culture that … okay, the thing is, people are dying because – there’s this guy, see, he’s a, he’s a … archeologist? Anthropologist? Or is that the other guy, no, wait, that guy’s a folklore expert and a mystic, never mind. Anyway, the dead guy’s daughter comes down to, uh, okay, she … Let’s take stock: There’s the dead guy’s daughter, the gringo gambling man, his jealous local ex, the bar owner, unreliable locals, the planned ritual sacrifice of a village child – I’m probably forgetting some pertinent details – and finally, glowing eyes. Man, watch out for those glowing eyes. No, Doctor, I have no idea.
SPACE RATS From Outer Space 